


Nightfall

by alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, Sappy, Songfic, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 20:21:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16182479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist/pseuds/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist
Summary: by MikAAislin Nymph





	Nightfall

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).  
> \------  
> Written for Ashura's Bob Dylan Songfic Contest... Based on the song "When The Night Comes Falling From the Sky" by Bob Dylan
> 
> Note: The lyrics are mostly from Duo's perspective but there are parts where it's from both of them at once so just keep that in mind. 
> 
> ^^flashbacks^^

_Look out across the field, see me returning_  
 _Smoke is in your eye, you draw a smile_  
 _From the fireplace where my letters to you are burning_  
 _You've had time to think about it for awhile_  
  
Heero glanced out the window, sick of staring blindly at the poisonous fire. Idly, he wondered where  he was right then. He looked back to the orange flames and tossed another sheet on the fire, watching as the white lined paper curled and burned black and red beneath the flames. The messy handwriting disappeared within the smoke almost symbolically. Disturbingly, Heero felt almost as if while he watched the letters burn, some part of him cried out from the dark hell that had encompassed him since he'd heard. Since he'd learned that....   
  
A quick shake of his head, and Heero was certain he had stopped himself from going down that dangerous track of thought. There was nothing down that way but fear, betrayal, shame, anger, and.... Well, pathetically enough, still care, sympathy and concern.   
  
His heavy gaze slowly fell down to the letter in his hand. From somewhere deep inside him his emotions shrieked to the surface of his thoughts. Resisting the urge to close his eyes, Heero let them run their course within his mind, the maelstrom raging forth in a torrent of desperation, hope and confidence. Narrowing his eyes the slightest bit, Heero looked up again to stare at the fire until he no longer saw the flames but a mass of burning, destructive sparks and shadows. No emotion touched his face, his pose as still as a tragic statue frozen forever in time. However, inside he was being ripped and shredded with scattered thoughts and half-formed passions that were so intense they screamed for his attention and shattered all his control with banshee-like wails. This was how Heero lived his life; impassively cold on the outside, and dangerously extreme on the inside. Long ago he stopped asking why and just listened to the whispers and screams as he let his emotions run their course. Then, when Desperation dwindled and died, when Hope cracked and broke beneath the rancid weight of Reason, when even Confidence faltered and ruptured.... THEN he made his decision, certain that he had already accounted for all sides of the situation and was reacting accordingly and appropriately.   
  
And yet....   
  
The fire blazed as another sheet was thrown in, lighting Heero's golden features in a soft glow that made his eyes seem less emotionless, less withdrawn, and more....   
  
Humbled.   
  
Degraded by something far greater than he, far purer than he could ever hope to understand. Something that reached within him when he thought he had long ago lost any and all hopes of redemption.   
  
Salvation.   
  
A hope for a new life that Heero had never dared reach for....   
  
Laughing violet eyes shot through Heero's vision and for one terrifying moment he felt like he was plunging into the flames, no longer completely grounded in reality and instead twisting, flailing, stumbling, dying in an explosion of severe emotions and almost tangible pain. Desperately, Heero pulled himself in again, shoving at the flood with all his energy until, traumatized, he found himself back in the empty cabin, the crackling of the fire his only companion. He was still in the exact same position, never having even flinched despite how close he came to losing himself.   
  
Again.   
  
All because of those damn violet eyes, that frustratingly happy smile, that versatile voice....   
  
Duo.   
  
But not just `Duo'... something more... always something else....   
  
Duo: a comrade, a confidante, a companion. A... a friend. A best friend.   
  
A want.   
  
A need.   
  
A sympathetic soul. A keeper of his better moments. A smile in the bleakness, a comforting hand in the nothingness, a light in the ever-present darkness.   
  
Duo.   
  
It wasn't so strange that the American got to him, really. What was surprised Heero was how. His eyes watched the flames twist and converge, but his mind withdrew to focus on that mission a little over a year ago, when his world had started to change....   
  
^^ Heero suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, halting in the middle of a sprint. To this day he still wasn't positive why he had quit running, why he turned to glance at Duo then behind them, as if searching for a follower he knew couldn't possibly exist.   
  
They hadn't been discovered yet.   
  
Duo took a few steps before stumbling to a stop and looking behind his shoulder in surprise. "Heero! C'mon, what're you doing? We need to get out!"   
  
Heero simply stared at him, wondering himself with growing panic why he wasn't moving, but not allowing anything to cross his face. Almost always, Heero had discovered, the illusion of complete control was as important as the actuality. If Duo thought Heero, with the reputation for being a Perfect Soldier, had stopped for no reason at all, and furthermore couldn't get his legs to move right then for all the control in the world.... Well, maybe his faith in him would be shaken. No, not maybe; it WOULD. And it would be too hard to regain that trust once lost.   
  
He didn't need an uncooperative co-worker, that was certain.   
  
So instead he just stared hard at Duo until the American bewilderingly trotted back, looking quickly through the shadows. He saw nothing, and for good reason. Heero knew there was nothing around them, probably not for miles of endless, labyrinthine hallways.   
  
But he still couldn't make his legs move.   
  
"Heero, knowing you, you've got a perfectly legit reason for stopping, and are gonna kill me for this.... But since I don't see anything or anyone, I'm gonna make you go, k?" Duo said right beside him, not touching him but standing within hitting range. The act gave Heero that much more control over the situation and something about that made him feel grateful, though he wasn't sure why. Shouldn't he feel like Duo was humoring him? Pitying him...? But instead, it felt like he understood, somehow, even though Heero himself didn't.   
  
So he didn't move when Duo nodded to himself and dragged Heero's arm over his shoulders. Heero complied and followed as Duo tugged him along, slowly quickening their pace. Soon, Heero's legs were listening to him again, and he calmly removed his grip on Duo to run beside him.   
  
Hallways, junctions, secure or open doors, they all breezed by with little difficulty, but something was still nagging at Heero. Something completely foreign but somehow he trusted it. "This way," he spoke abruptly, his voice the monotonous tone that so many wrongfully thought was emotionless.   
  
He had emotions. He simply had expert control over them, so they never broke the surface.   
  
Follow your emotions.   
  
He always followed his emotions, but not spontaneously like most. Instead, he watched their movements, their undulating waves that broke apart against each other until the sea was once again calm.   
  
And that's when he'd act.   
  
So he waited while they ran, trying to follow the panicked twist of his feelings, but unable to understand what was happening. He sped up, watching in vague satisfaction as Duo did as well, and forced himself to think harder. Finally he came to the conclusion that there must have been a logical reason for his sudden stop before.   
  
So he stopped again.   
  
Duo skidded to a halt and turned around with a mixture of annoyance and confusion. "What NOW?" he asked plaintively, though the business part of him seemed to truly be wondering.   
  
"We missed something. The mission is incomplete. We need to finish," Heero told Duo in a tone that may be considered cold or lifeless to others, but was simply the act of a person well versed in dispassion.   
  
Duo shook his head immediately, "Ohhhh no you don't, Yuy! I ran most of this mission, I know we got everything! Trust me. I rechecked it all over while you were hacking and I know for a FACT that it's all good. You're probably just being a perfectionist...."   
  
Heero was surprised. Not that Duo would protest, he had expected that, but that he didn't question the fact that Heero wanted to go back. Instead, Duo simply wouldn't accept the reasoning. Something about that bothered Heero, but in a good way. "Mission parameters have been altered," Heero intoned seemingly uncaringly, turning his back on Duo and barely glancing over his shoulder, "I am returning to see it through." He began to run back down the hallway, toward where they had just left. He fully expected to hear Duo's steps falling in place by his, and the cursing and berating the American would treat him to the entire way.   
  
Instead, he was met with a snort down the hallway, and a flippant, "Fine! Go back! See if I care. But I, being the good soldier that I am, not PERFECT mind you, but good, am going to return these before we lose `em! Sayounara, Yuy-san! See ya back at the safehouse!" Heero stumbled and looked over his shoulder in complete surprise just in time to see Duo wave the disks at him with a cheeky grin, then disappear down the hallway.   
  
Heero blinked as he turned around and continued to run, wondering why that unexpected turn of events bothered and yet pleased him.   
  
He was supposed to be the Perfect Soldier. Whether or not he actually qualified for the position was beyond the point; everyone knew it, everyone believed it, and therefore it was reality to many.   
  
But apparently not one Duo Maxwell if he felt the need to abandon Heero who allegedly knew everything about battles and infiltration. The lack of trust was both disturbing (if Duo didn't trust Heero to make correct decisions how would he ever follow him in the battlefield sufficiently?) and strangely comforting (Duo called him a perfectionist, not Perfect. Duo thought of him as human....).   
  
Heero approached the hallway where it all started lost in thought, until a bullet whizzed past his head, snapping him back to the reality of the situation. Dodging to the side, he abruptly ducked and sprinted through the confusing maze of hallways. Dozens of blurred doorways shot past him on either side until, when another stray bullet nearly grazed his ankle, he decided to try another strategy. He ran down a hallway on his right, ducking into one of the rooms and leaning against the closed door to slow his heartbeat down. Glancing quickly around, he noted that luckily the room he chose was completely empty. A few seconds passed before he heard the soldiers run past his hiding place. A smirk found its way to his eyes as he waited a full minute then, detecting no new noise, he slipped into the war zone again. He paid more attention this time, running so fast his feet barely seemed to touch the ground. He was just approaching the first hallway when he heard footsteps behind him. He pivoted, dashing down a different hallway and concentrating on moving even faster than before.   
  
He breezed past some surprised soldiers down one of the hallways, rewarding Heero with a trail of shouting voices and an occasional bullet that ricocheted off the floor and walls around him. Another bullet would have hit him in the back if he hadn't dodged down a new hallway at the last second.   
  
The shouting continued but slowly it died away. Heero slowed his pace slightly and was just considering forgetting the oddity and returning later when he heard a noise that caught his attention. Slowing, he looked around just in time to see partitions shut off his section of the hallway from everywhere else. Heero stopped completely, surveying the room for escape routes. Oz had never used this technology before, which immediately set his nerves on edge. But before he had a chance to consider his predicament any longer, valves appeared in the walls, spraying gas out in dense clouds. Heero covered his mouth, already searching the walls for weaknesses, but it wasn't long before even his body couldn't stand up to the stress of the gas after all that running. His eyes slid closed, too heavy to stay open any longer, as his legs faltered and failed him. Quietly, Heero felt himself fall to the ground even as he lost consciousness.^^   
  
Heero watched another letter go up in flames, idly waiting for the smoke to obscure the words before tossing another in. He was running low on letters. Duo had managed to find him at every switch of venue over that year of protecting Relena, leaving a new pristine envelope everywhere he turned.   
  
Heero still wasn't sure how Duo managed it with all the security systems and misleading trails he left when he tried to disappear for a while, but somehow the braided pilot managed it. Each letter tore a new hole in Heero when he read them, yet somehow he found he looked forward to seeing the pristine white envelope inconspicuously settled somewhere within his rooms, with large and messy letters proclaiming "You" or "He" and no return address.   
  
When they were friends, good friends, before everything got confusing and hurtful, Duo used to tease Heero relentlessly. "Even your code name is boring," he'd snicker, "He You. That's all you are... no name... just a `he' and a `you', Heero Yuy...."   
  
Heero watched as one of the first letters made its way to the fire and looked down in mild surprise. Only one left; the very first letter he'd found.   
  
Duo's scent still managed to make it's way from the paper and suddenly Heero began to remember the rest of that night when his world had started to change.   
  
**^^** Heero awoke in the prison cells, angered that he'd let that soldier get the best of him, but not overly worried. He would be able to escape without a problem, and if he couldn't, then the appropriate procedure would be followed.   
  
He would die before he helped the enemy win their war.   
  
It seemed like forever but in reality probably only 15-20 minutes passed before Heero heard it. Cursing. Panicked shouts.   
  
Explosions.   
  
Heero tested his manacled wrists but they weren't giving and he frankly didn't care as the moment passed to relief at the knowledge that someone was there to help him escape. The door swung inwardly with amazing force and standing in the doorway, silhouetted by the flashing red of the alarms, was one Duo Maxwell, cockily holding a gun toward the ceiling.   
  
"Yo, Heero! Maybe you feel like a vacation and all, but isn't there a better place to go?" He looked around the dingy cell with an amused grimace as he quickly approached the relieved and partially confused Heero. "Like, Bermuda? Bahamas?  Somewhere else?" He was grinning and his voice was still amused, but there was nothing playful about his smooth, professional fingers working at the locks of Heero's restraints. A few moments later and the manacles disappeared to be replaced by Duo's warm, comforting, yet firm grip. He dragged Heero out of the room, who allowed the action only until they were out of the cell and he was fully in control of his body again. Together, they sprinted through the halls as fast as the hurried winter wind.   
  
"So," Duo managed to hold a quiet conversation between the ducking from the guards and running toward their freedom, "Find what you were lookin' for?"   
  
Heero was about to answer `no' immediately when suddenly he realized something. Why he had stopped running.   
  
Some part of him had realized that the other 4 Gundam pilots were probably going to be the only friends he could afford in the war, if he could afford any. And though he shared commonalities with the others, it was Duo who seemed determined to surprise Heero at every turn and force him to look at the situation.   
  
He wouldn't have referred to Duo as anything but a co-pilot before because, though he knew the others were the only candidates for friendship, he didn't believe any had reached that level yet.   
  
But somehow, that same small part of Heero that realized the other pilots could be more than fellow faces on the battlefield, that had also recognized Duo's potential... that small part had wanted to test Duo.   
  
A soldier would have followed his superior, no matter how crazed the action seemed.   
  
A companion would have ignored the stupidity to continue the journey.   
  
A friend would have returned to help.   
  
A small smile formed in Heero's eyes without his realizing it as he looked seriously at Duo and said in an important tone, "Yes. I did."   
  
Duo glanced over, startled at Heero's reaction, but immediately a sincere smile split his face and brightened his eyes. "I'm glad," Duo said warmly.   
  
That was all they said for the rest of that mission.^^   
  
Back then, the incident that started a strong friendship, Duo hadn't trusted Heero but he believed in him. He knew Heero was doing something stupid and he chose to complete the mission for Heero, who couldn't do it on his own. But he had returned.   
  
The fact that Duo could carry out the mission first but still return to Heero was extremely important. It helped both sides of Heero's control: the alleged Perfect Soldier, but also the confused and emotional side that supposedly didn't exist despite the fact it ruled most of his actions.   
  
But sometimes even his emotions failed him....   
  
**^^** Three months had passed quickly for Heero after his brief imprisonment by Oz. He and Duo had slowly become closer friends, as well as more efficient partners in the war. One night after Heero returned from a mission he found Duo sitting on his bed in the dorm room they were currently staying in.   
  
"Hi, Heero," Duo said in an unusually subdued tone when the Japanese pilot entered. Mildly surprised and possibly concerned, Heero simply nodded slightly at Duo and moved to his side of the room.   
  
He could feel Duo's eyes on his back as he dutifully sat down and opened his laptop. The American's gaze was burning a hole in his concentration and making him progressively more nervous. Why didn't he look away? Duo usually wasn't this reserved....   
  
Almost as if Duo heard his thoughts, the American shifted on his bed and spoke pensively into the silence, "Hey, Heero... I've been thinking...."   
  
Heero glanced sidelong over but didn't deter his attention from his mission report. He didn't answer, but then he rarely did, and he assumed Duo would continue whether or not he spoke.   
  
He was right.   
  
"I guess this may seem out of nowhere to you but it's been on my mind for awhile so...." Duo trailed off again, his voice quiet and almost... timid?   
  
Heero stopped typing at the thought. Duo acting timid was EXTREMELY strange. Judging this to be more important than he'd anticipated, Heero took the time to turn in his seat and regard his friend, silently urging him to continue.   
  
Duo glanced up, briefly making eye contact before he abruptly looked down at his hands where he toyed with his braid's end. "I don't lie, and I hate holding things in, so I'm just going to be blunt." Apparently gaining his courage back, Duo looked up and took a deep breath, holding Heero's startled gaze with a strong, almost defiant expression. "I like you, Heero," he stated, his tone holding no doubt, "I mean,  really like you."   
  
Heero blinked in surprise. Confusion swirled darkly through him, almost drowning out his own voice asking in muted doubt, "Nani?"   
  
Duo narrowed his eyes in determination and continued, "I like you more than a friend, Heero. A lot more. And... I think you should know."   
  
The confusion surged into a mixture of fury and terror that was so intense it almost stained his vision a deep blood red. He was furious with Duo for bringing the subject up, for demanding more from Heero when he had finally come to grips with him being a friend. He was terrified of going that extra step, of having a bigger liability than even a friend was, and also frightened because he didn't even know what he thought about the subject. He should have been denying the thought immediately, he shouldn't even have to consider what Duo meant to him! Why had he pushed it? He had just gotten a friend and now that friend already wanted more!   
  
Heero didn't know whether to yell at Duo or ignore him, but the pilot of Deathscythe was beginning to look more and more apprehensive as the silence thickened in the heavy atmosphere. Somewhere deep inside, Heero didn't like seeing Duo that unnerved, because he was his friend, regardless of what Duo wanted....   
  
"You are... a friend, Duo," he managed though even admitting that much aloud was making Heero nervous, as if somehow saying those words would put him in a position to choose between the mission and Duo. Unfortunately for Duo, Heero knew what the answer would be. Why didn't Duo just stay quiet for once? WHY did he have to push it? Heero struggled with how to explain the rest of his thoughts, but everything was too chaotic, too jumbled and intensely confusing for him to understand right then why he wanted to say something more, let alone what it would be.   
  
For one long, heavy moment, Duo watched Heero, who was staring back with unfocused eyes. Abruptly, Duo smiled and nodded, though Heero noticed some sadness to the expression. "I'm going to bed. Night, Heero."   
  
Heero paused, taking this as an easy way to regroup his emotions and try to explain what he felt at some later point. Nodding and immensely satisfied with that solution, he turned back to his laptop. "Oyasumi,"(1) he calmly replied, immediately continuing his report.   
  
Quietly, Duo watched Heero for a few more heartbeats before he suddenly laid down, turned over and promptly seemed to fall asleep.   
  
Only two hours after his friend was lost to the conscious world, Heero received an extended mission to protect Relena. He took the time to leave a quick note for Duo to find in the morning before he packed all his belongings into a duffel bag and disappeared into the night. ^^   
  
A piece of wood in the fireplace suddenly popped loudly, bringing Heero back to the present. Still somewhat removed from reality, he looked at the flames and found himself wondering at how powerful they were and yet how nothing could come close without getting burnt.   
  
At the thought, Heero's eyes fell to stare at the paper before him. The first letter. The beginning of several that had only added weight to Heero's confusion and doubt, leaving him bereft of any sense of understanding.   
  
Heero sighed softly.   
  
Sometimes, before and especially after Duo's confession, Heero had felt so attached to Duo, to his smile and laugh and comforting arms, that he ached when he wasn't there. Sometimes Heero wanted nothing more than to just see him, regardless of why or when or how, just as long as he could touch his friend with his eyes, and maybe even get a glimpse of the boy hiding in the shadows behind that brilliant grin.   
  
This was one of those times.   
  
And as Heero stared blindly at the letter he found himself looking up, past the fireplace, gazing out the window as he searched the lazy twilight world outside for an answer to his dilemma.   
  
Belief.   
  
The word suddenly breathed through his mind, cutting through his thoughts and centering on his heart. With a startled blink, Heero realized that what held them together was their trust and belief in each other. Duo believed in Heero to make the right decision, and Heero trusted Duo to understand when he couldn't choose the correct path.   
  
Idly, Heero looked down at the letter in his hand again, flipping the envelope over as he regarded the front. `You,' Duo's handwriting scrawled messily. As he had countless times before, Heero found himself staring at the upper left corner where the return address should be, finding nothing but emptiness.   
  
Empty.   
  
Yes, that was a good word for how he'd read the letters Duo sent. Empty, and... aching. As if he'd lost something that he hadn't even known existed until it was gone....   
  
He always looked forward to the letters, knowing that just for those few moments he was with his friend again, his eyes smiling at the jokes Duo blurted and the enthusiasm he had for the little things that Heero rarely noticed. Everytime he saw a new envelope, something in Heero rejoiced and surged forward to examine everything about it, while another part retreated further and further inside, hurt and rejected at how happy Duo was without him, and yet angry at himself for even thinking of that. Duo was his friend. Duo was a liability. It was bad enough the baka found him, he shouldn't let anything he had to say bother him.   
  
But every letter did. They all spoke of happy days, everything going on as normal, the regular mishaps colored brightly in Duo's infectious tone.   
  
Never once did Duo say he missed or even ever thought of Heero.   
  
Never once did he imply that Heero meant anything to him anymore after that night.   
  
Never once did Duo leave a return address to invite Heero to reply.   
  
Soon it was painful to see those letters, hurtful to read those content words and know that Duo had forgotten him so easily.   
  
Because Heero hadn't forgotten him.   
  
6 months into his mission with Relena, Heero had finally realized what Duo meant to him, what he was trying to say that one night....   
  
`I like you too, Duo,' he should have said, `I really like you. The way you smile. The way you laugh. The way you support me all around. The way you make me feel... content.... The way you can stop all my emotions from beating at me everytime you look at me with that expression that says you understand. You understand completely....'   
  
But he didn't say it when he had the chance, and he wasn't sure he ever would have another.   
  
That was why he was here, though.   
  
Heero had just finished his mission with Relena a little over a month ago, and the last few weeks he was stationed alone in this rustic cabin. He didn't bother hiding his trail from Duo, and somewhere deep inside, Heero desperately hoped that Duo would return...   
  
...Because Heero didn't know how to return to Duo....   
  
Well, I've walked two hundred miles  
now look me over It's the end of the chase and the moon is high It won't matter who loves who  
You'll love me or I'll love you  
When the night comes falling from the sky  
  
A noise startled Heero out of his thoughts and he looked up just in time to watch Duo close door behind him as he stepped inside, violet gaze staring deeply into Heero's cobalt eyes. Without realizing it, Heero dropped the letter that had been in his hands.   
  
Slowly, a relieved smile reminiscent of that mission lit the generally dispassionate gaze and, relieved as well, Duo smiled quietly back as he entered the room and closed the door behind him.   
  
"Hey, Heero," Duo said almost timidly as he slid into place at Heero's side on the wooden cabin floor in front of the soothing, crackling fireplace.   
  
He looked at Duo for a long moment, suddenly unsure of what his emotions wanted him to do. Inside he was full of a chaotic, living, breathing storm. It washed away his thoughts and pressed painfully against his heart.   
  
He was happy to see Duo.   
  
He was afraid of losing him again.   
  
He was ecstatic he'd returned.   
  
He was angry that Duo hadn't trusted him.   
  
He was--   
  
Suddenly it didn't matter anymore what Heero wanted because Duo took the initiative. In an abrupt display of affection, he threw himself at Heero and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, burying his face in his upper arm. "I missed you, He," he murmured softly into Heero's skin.   
  
The Japanese pilot blinked once before his emotions suddenly all screamed for the same thing. With deliberate calmness and certainty, he pulled Duo in for a strong hug. Returning a hug was unassuming. Returning a hug wouldn't push Duo away again... right? "You left," was his answer, but in those two words all his emotions shrieked to the surface, leaving his voice soft, breathy, and wavering. _You left me alone... why?_  
  
"I... I know...." Duo replied in a subdued voice.   
  
Heero tightened his grip on Duo before reluctantly pulling the American's warmth away from him. He kept his hands firmly on Duo's shoulders but held him at arm's length so he could clearly see him.   
  
Duo looked away uncomfortably under the scrutiny, somewhat nervously licking his lips. His hands were clenched in fists, his skin paler than usual, and slightly sunken in. His hair was a mess, including the prized braid that was currently lumped ridiculously against his back. His clothes were dirty and his skin was covered in a fine layer of dirt.   
  
Heero took all the details in and categorized them within seconds before he looked up at Duo's face with a heavy gaze until the trapped amethyst eyes looked back at him with a slightly haunted expression. Heero squeezed Duo's shoulders encouragingly but spoke only one word.   
  
"Explain."   
  
_I can see through your walls and I know you're hurting_  
 _Sorrow covers you like a cape_  
 _Only yesterday I know that you've been flirting_  
 _With disaster that you managed to escape_  
  
Duo stared at Heero, caught in his strong gaze, and found himself babbling almost without realizing it. His words broke through the silence of the room quickly, shakily and yet confidently, as if he had to say this all, right now, before he could forget anything or lose his nerve. Before his mind had a chance to stop him.   
  
"We were friends, Heero. Really good friends. And I felt really important having you there, like it didn't matter anymore if people knew anything about me `cause you cared about all the stuff I wanted you to, and didn't care about the rest of the shit that came with it." Duo averted his eyes to the fireplace.   
  
"So I thought I should be honest. When I realized you meant more to me than a friend, I started to think maybe you felt the same. I was analyzing every move you made, wondering if it was a `friend' act or a `more' act, and it was driving me crazy! So... you know... I told you... and.... I mean I understand that you had a mission and were busy and all but you suddenly didn't seem to want anything to do with me...." Duo hesitated then looked back at Heero with truth shining from his eyes.   
  
Heero was unsure how to respond so he stayed silent as he waited for Duo to continue. After a few moments, Duo ran his fingers uncomfortably through his bangs then pulled his braid in front of him to idly stroke.   
  
"I watched over you for awhile, keeping my eye out for broadcasts that might have you in the background, doing idle check-ups. I knew something was bothering you, it's kinda hard for me to ignore that anymore. But I was still angry with you, and hurt, and confused. And to top it off, the person you'd run to was the last person I wanted to feel jealous of. The fact that I couldn't help the envy only made me feel more guilty and angry with you for forcing me into those emotions, even though you didn't. So I decided I'd get back at you... sorta...." He watched the fire crackle and pop and smiled faintly as he finally realized what was in there. Slowly, his eyes slid to regard the first letter that was still lying on the floor in front of Heero. He moved away from Heero long enough to gently pick it up and examine it with a quiet, almost fond, expression as he spoke softly. "So I mailed you those letters, and sometimes sent them to Relena to give to you. Talked about my day like nothing had changed since you were gone, like it didn't matter to me at all whether you lived or died." Duo glanced sidelong at Heero, "I didn't really lie," almost immediately he looked away again, "But I didn't tell the full truth either. I mean, yeah, I was doing all that stuff. But I missed you. More than I thought I'd ever miss anyone. And... it scared me.... I kept thinking you could die anytime and I'd have no say in it. I  know we're soldiers, Heero, but behind that we're also people... maybe even children... and the child in me kept thinking... you'd...."   
  
Duo trailed off as he unseeingly dropped the letter to the floor again, staring at the fire for one long moment. Heero stared at Duo with a million thoughts running through his mind. Duo didn't hate him still, but he was confused on if he still liked him or not. He was still leaning against him, so he must, right? And he spoke of being afraid that Heero was going to die... but was Duo back only because he didn't want Heero to die before he could say a few more things, or was he back because he still liked Heero?   
  
One thing was certain to Heero: he still very much liked Duo....   
  
Suddenly, he looked back at Heero and the importance in his gaze made the Japanese pilot stop everything he was doing and just stare back. It was almost as if words passed from Duo to Heero without being said....

 _I can't provide you for no easy answers_  
 _Who are you that I should have to lie?_  
 _You'll know all about it, love_  
 _It'll fit you like a glove_  
 _When the night comes falling from the sky_  
  
"I don't understand myself," Duo finally said aloud, almost seeming to repeat what had just passed between them, "So I'm not gonna lie to you by trying to explain some stuff." Duo pressed his left hand over Heero's left hand, still holding Duo's right shoulder.   
  
"But I DO know that we need to stick together, Heero... `cause being apart was killing me and I know you weren't too happy yourself...." Duo puffed some of his bangs from his eyes in a soft, relieved sigh, as if he had been wanting to say all that for a long time but was unable to word it right, unable to understand enough to convey the importance of the message.   
  
Heero forced away the thoughts and stared at Duo with slowly softening eyes that were on the path to childlike delight. He paused a moment to listen to his emotions again, but all he was feeling was a strong swirl of confusion. "You waited to return," he finally said quietly, "Why?"   
  
Duo sighed, patting Heero's hand. "I... well, shit, Heero, I was afraid." He grimaced. "If you can tell me having such a good friend doesn't scare the shit out of you sometimes too then you are definitely stronger than me. And then I wanted more and you didn't so... I guess I didn't think you wanted me around...."   
  
Now he was feeling a little less Confused... his mind was being overcome with Understanding... Compassion... Contentment, but too strong... much too strong...! Heero glanced away from Duo's burning eyes and nodded slightly. "It scares me," he acknowledged.   
  
Duo managed to look only mildly startled--not that Heero would reveal his emotions to him since he was used to that after their friendship, but by the tone of Heero's voice. It wasn't sad, it was almost... happy.... Proud....   
  
"Why...?" Duo ventured, unable to form a more coherent reply.   
  
Heero looked back at Duo with eyes that were definitely smiling now, though a tad tragically. Urgency welled up from within him, bringing with it the Confidence and eloquent wording that he needed to speak what was on his mind. "It scared me that I would care about anything beyond what was necessary for success and survival, but at the same time I was pleased that I had found someone who would be so important to me that I would feel that emotion for anything other than my mission or myself. I was... honored... to be known so truly by another...."   
  
Duo looked at Heero with the most stricken expression he had ever allowed to the surface, and suddenly pushed away Heero's arms so he could hug his friend again. "Heero... you... you're being too...."   
  
Contentment rolled calmly up from within again, filling every part of his body, fulfilling him in this simple motion of friendly bodily contact. The thought of this leaving, of this never, ever being there again to comfort him, suddenly brought Terror up Contentment's heels. The two battled for a few moments, suddenly rushing Heero's thoughts away into an Emptiness that pulsed and breathed with malevolent Dispassion. "You left me," Heero said softly, lost, into Duo's hair. Duo's hair. The scent... so intimate by then, something he knew by heart, could recall at a moment's panicked notice.... Contentment. It smelled like Home. Heero felt Happiness rest quietly against his satisfied heart. Heero tightened his hold on Duo. "But you came back. So you deserve everything." That's right. Duo came back. Duo would always come back for him. He would always understand when Heero couldn't figure everything out in time to make the right decision. Duo was a Constant. Duo was Contentment.   
  
Duo buried his face further in Heero's shoulder, feeling his heart expand achingly at his friend's words. _Do I?_ he thought distantly, disoriented, _DO I deserve everything? Do I even deserve anything...?_  
  
_I can hear your trembling heart beat like a river_  
 _You must have been protecting someone last time I called_  
 _I've never asked you for nothing you couldn't deliver_  
 _I never asked you to set yourself up for a fall_  
  
Duo listened to Heero's heartbeat as it thundered calmly from Heero's chest into his own. He felt the aching that used to accompany tears well up from within, but not even a shine accompanied his amethyst eyes.   
  
He had cried all his tears long ago and watched them soak into the blood stained ground. There was nothing left to pull those soothing drops from within anymore; only the ache that should have been followed by a river, a flood, a storm, and ended with peace.   
  
Instead, the ache.   
  
Only the ache.   
  
Heero's heartbeat was comforting him and slowly, gently, he loosened his death grip on his friend. He brought one hand to his face as if brushing away tears though he knew damn well that nothing would be there. Taking in a deep breath, he pulled away and stared into Heero's compassionate gaze.   
  
"He...?" Duo asked, reverting to Heero's nickname, "What were you...?"   
  
He didn't even need to finish as Heero calmly explained.   
  
The emotions retreated for a moment, having no part in this kind of conversation. "I received a mission to protect Relena Peacecraft," came his calculated voice as it spread through the quiet room, "and was told it was of the utmost importance. It occurred to me that I would perhaps not be returning and so I decided to explain that I would be away for awhile and that you shouldn't worry. But when I tried to form the words, they came out wrong. I hadn't realized I implied I wanted nothing to do with you, that I was leaving you for Relena, but I imagine you understood the message that way...."   
  
"Heero," Duo interrupted in a weary tone, "all your message said was `R more important. Not returning.' All I could think was I'd asked too much and fucked up even our friendship. Why else would you run to Relena so abruptly, saying you wouldn't be back? I knew what you meant. You didn't mean you wouldn't return from the mission. You meant you wouldn't return to being my friend." His accusation hung heavy in the air, pregnant and waiting for an answer.   
  
Confusion. Denial. Heero frowned slightly, deciding to avoid the allegation and instead focus on the cause. "That wasn't the entire message," he protested, "That was only the first. The second explained everything."   
  
Duo sighed tiredly, rubbing at his eyes. "Well I obviously didn't get it."   
  
Caught. Sheepish fault. HAD he ever sent those last messages, or did he eventually talk himself out of it...? Heero paused then looked away guiltily, "Because... I didn't want you to...."   
  
Duo looked up in surprise. "What?" he asked immediately, more harshly than he had intended.   
  
Shame. Sadness. Fear... no, Terror. Terror for something he couldn't control.... Heero was now the one avoiding eye contact but eventually Duo's burning gaze broke him down and he looked back. He was nervous, his eyes pleaded, and scared. "I... it occurred to me that you may do something rash. We had become good friends and I knew you would always come back for me, in the end. I didn't think that sounded very healthy considering you could attempt to come back as a friend one time when you should have stayed away as a soldier," Heero paused then added, "And... you were too nice. I didn't know how to handle it...."   
  
Silence encompassed the room as the two stared off to distances only they could see. Perhaps 2 minutes passed for the rustic clock situated over the fireplace, but for them, it was an eternity.   
  
Confusion. "Didn't the message end in `Miss Y'?" Heero commented almost as an afterthought.   
  
Duo actually slightly blushed. "Uhh... yeah...." he offered sheepishly.   
  
Surprise... more Confusion.... Heero looked at him incredulously. "You know the code, Duo.  You made it up. How could you forget `Miss' for Mission and `Y' for Yuy? You made jokes about it for weeks!"   
  
"Erm..." Duo stalled as he rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, "Simple. I... didn't forget entirely. I think maybe part of me wanted you to be an asshole so I could stop liking you, so I... read the message but didn't understand that part...."   
  
Heero's emotions stilled in shock, leaving him to simply look even more incredulous as he stared at his friend. The confusion was plain to see in his bright cobalt eyes but avoidance was written all over Duo's amethystine gaze. Patiently, Heero waited for Duo to explain, like he always did when they came to situations like this.   
  
_I saw thousands who could have overcome the darkness_  
 _For the love of a lousy buck, I've watched them die,_  
 _Stick around, baby, we're not through_  
 _Don't look for me, I'll see you,_  
 _When the night comes falling from the sky_  
  
Duo sighed heavily and scooted away from Heero till he was leaning against the worn couch. He stared into the flames again, speaking slowly and in the tone that Heero had come to realize meant Duo was being extremely serious, and whatever he was saying was more important to him than breathing. Something was obviously weighing on Duo's mind.   
  
"Have you ever had friends before, Heero?" he asked in a distant, too-old tone. He didn't wait for Heero's reply, didn't even look over. He knew the answer would be `No, Duo. Not before you.' He knew it as well as Heero did. "Well, I have," Duo clarified as if Heero HAD spoken those words aloud, "and it sucks. You get to know someone, start to care for them, make promises to each other, and--BAM--they go and leave or die on you. The second you're remembering their scent, or their face, or you can mimic perfectly their mannerisms... THEN you know you're in trouble. `Cause they're like breathing to you. They're like living and dying, being part of their life until you become it, and nothing else matters but them. And their happiness. And their smile," Duo looked over at Heero meaningfully, "no matter HOW buried it may be."   
  
Heero calmly watched Duo as the American looked away again. Heero was allowing him to set his own pace as he told him what he needed to know, to understand. He let his own emotions wash over and through him like a turbulent, never-ending ocean. He didn't want to be distracted as he listened to Duo speak so he decided to ignore them until after the conversation.   
  
Duo, meanwhile, was looking off in the distance as his voice came from far away. "It's like a drug... needing them... wanting them around so you can tell jokes, make stupid comments, maybe just be yourself, no matter how different your real face may be from what people think." Duo sat up straighter, his eyes saddening. When he spoke again, his voice was harder. "And when they leave you, it's all anger, betrayal, and hurt. And a pain deeper than any torture your enemies could shove on you because this time... THIS time it's within to without. THIS time it isn't superficial. THIS time it's not lethal to your body, but to your soul."   
  
Duo's haunted gaze made its way to Heero's strengthened eyes. For a moment, the expression that covered Duo's gaunt face was too much and Heero shivered just as Duo spoke. "It's like a poison." His voice was soft, clear, and undeniably lost. "Like a disease that starts at your heart, and moves through your body faster than thought. Like a thousand little pinpricks of death that shoot through you until you're so weary and exhausted you want to give up too, give up your life and everything just so you can rest." Duo sighed heavily. "And then life comes and kicks you in the ass, tells you to get your shit in a row `cause you have a long way to go before you can be free."   
  
Heero watched Duo's expression turn bitter and full of self-loathing. "I've seen hundreds, Heero, HUNDREDS, who have reached out to me slowly die. I've watched them from afar, or held them in my arms, or stood at the graveyard of their last stand just in time to feel their spirits wash around me...." Heero felt sadness well up from within, and sympathy. But stronger than the others was a sudden intense Protectiveness.   
  
"And it wasn't once either, Heero. Each of them... a thousand times a night.... I imagine I was there... or I re-listen to their words, their chokes and finally their last breath." He frowned almost angrily, almost afraid. "And it was enough that I did that for a long time. But... then we became friends. And when I went to sleep with you nearby, they weren't as loud, their deaths not as vivid, the stench of blood somehow muted from my senses. Soon I was getting used to the nightmares disappearing, and when I realized that I realized you were more important to me than I thought." Duo looked at Heero pleadingly, frightened. "It scared the shit out of me. I didn't know what to think--I was fighting to keep that shit from happening to others, but I used to think I'd need that pain to keep going... to remind me.... But the more I stayed around you the more I knew I could be different, could find something else to support me.... I was afraid of what might happen but I didn't want to lie, so I talked to you right away. When you said no I thought it was my fault... but I still couldn't deny my feelings. I guess it was like you were one of those lost friends to me then... a thousand little deaths..."   
  
For one long, eternal moment, Duo stared into the distance, his expression guarded and carefully blank. Heero knew from experience that Duo was feeling overwhelmed in emotion right then, so he decided to wait for his friend to continue. Still, confusion trapped his heart in a frenzied beat powered by the abrupt fear at the thought of Duo in pain. He knew he should say something, do something, to bring Duo back, but he had no idea what he was supposed to do. He sat there, completely silent, caught in a trap of his own hesitant fears, knowing Duo could be hurt far deeper than he'd ever know... maybe he'd never know until it was too late, until he or both of them were dead in the war or beyond.   
  
Heero was startled to feel terror well up from within at the thought of losing someone who understood him so well, who had become so important to him, but before he could react, Duo was speaking again.   
  
"Do you feel it, Heero?" Duo finally asked in a soft voice that was so full of mixed emotions it pulsed through the air to rest against Heero's skin like a second heartbeat, "Do you feel it when I leave you? When I'm not there? Does it hurt?" He turned slowly to regard Heero with eyes that were too old for his few years of existence.   
  
"Yes," Heero replied softly, lost. He didn't even have to think about it; he knew.... He knew without Duo, something of him was lost.   
  
Something was destroyed.   
  
Duo nodded but he still seemed slightly detached, as if the emotions were too much for him to handle all at once. He slowly looked over and caught Heero's eyes with a heavy, striking gaze. "And does it eat at you, not knowing what I'm doing? Where I'm going? Who I'm with? If I'm even alive?" His voice was soft, but the emotions behind were making his voice turbulent with pain.   
  
Heero shook his head slightly to himself. How could Duo even  question that? He needed Duo! Why couldn't Duo understand...? It was too hard to say right... but... he had to let Duo know....   
  
"Yes," Heero finally acknowledged decisively, hoping the strength and confidence would speak the words he couldn't seem to form. He knew what he wanted to say; he could breathe the thought in his mind. But everytime he tried to say the words aloud, they faltered and changed.... "Yes," Heero said again, almost as if daring Duo or, more likely, himself, to deny the agreement.   
  
"Yeah," Duo said softly, mournfully. "Yeah... it's the same for me.... Only worse. `Cause I know what lies down this path. I know when you die I'm gonna freak and close myself off and not want to breathe again." Heero was surprised at the answer because he felt like Duo was speaking words he needed to say. "So you left and I was pissed at you, but even angrier at the part of me that was happy. The cowardly part that said I could call you a bastard for the rest of my life, then, and not CARE when you died, or if you died, `cause you were an asshole. A defector. A traitor to my friendship...." Duo sighed and completely wilted against the couch's hard surface. Heero paused only a moment before he scooted over so he was sitting right next to Duo, who looked up with a deep emotion that Heero couldn't place. "So I tried to hate you, loathe you with everything in me, even though I knew you were just doing your job. Even though I knew you probably thought you were helping me...."   
  
Heero hesitated, almost afraid to hear the answer to the question that breathed in his mind, but unable to deny it. "So why did you return?" His voice was soft but strong, and he hoped the support was helping Duo because right then everything was still too much for him to understand and react to.   
  
Duo glanced up through the shadow of his bangs, the light shining amethyst sparks off his eyes and crowning his pupils in glowing white the only indication that he was watching Heero at that moment. "I'm not entirely sure... maybe I just wanted to see you. I didn't want to worry if we were friends or not, even though I know we won't be more. I guess I just can't leave you."   
  
In your teardrops I can see my own reflection  
It was on the northern border of Texas where I crossed the line  
I don't want to be a fool starving for affection,  
I don't want to drown in someone else's wine  
  
Heero felt a thrill travel from the innermost depths of his being to his skin in a tingling sensation. A smile was finding its way to his eyes when Duo spoke again.   
  
"I told you what I wanted, and you didn't need it. I understand that. But are we still friends, Heero? I wrote you those letters but you didn't bother replying--"   
  
"There was no return address," Heero countered pointedly, still confused about that point and afraid that, though it seemed Duo still cared for him, that somewhere deep inside he didn't. That he was saying goodbye now instead of hello.   
  
Duo frowned. "I wanted you to be happy, Heero. I thought if I wrote you so you knew I didn't forget about you that I'd be helping any part of you that was maybe upset at being away from me.... Besides, you're so good on the computer--how hard would it have been to send me a message at some point during that year just to say `Hey Duo, got your messages, thanks'?" The question hung in the air for a moment before Heero found his voice again.   
  
"But there was no return address... I didn't think you wanted to hear from me...."   
  
"Why would I send you letters if I didn't want you to write back?" Duo asked with soft frustration.   
  
Heero looked at Duo helplessly, almost pleadingly, "But you were so happy in all of them... you didn't seem to care about me at all. And then you mentioned staying with Hilde for awhile and I realized you didn't need me anymore."   
  
Duo shook his head, the frustration welling up more. "Damnit, Heero, I'll always need you."   
  
Heero's eyes widened in surprise and contentment at the words. "I--Duo--" But the words choked in his throat before he could form them.   
  
Duo looked over with a soft sigh and shake of his head. He could feel Heero's intense body heat just to the left of his shoulder and the feeling was both calming and distracting at the same time. "It's not your fault, really, I guess. I was being confusing."   
  
Heero quirked a side of his mouth up minutely as he shook his head. "I was just confused."   
  
Duo looked up in surprise at the soft humor in Heero's voice. Heero was looking over at him with shining cobalt eyes and suddenly Duo couldn't suppress the grin that broke through his features. He hesitantly moved over, watching Heero's eyes for anger or rejection, slowly leaning against Heero's side. The Japanese pilot felt that same contentment from before wash over him and, in a sudden daring move, he wrapped his right arm around Duo's shoulders as he stared at the fire.   
  
His body felt warm and alive with joy, and it was the most beautiful feeling he'd ever experienced.   
  
After a moment, Duo laughed softly and shook his head. Heero glanced over before turning back to the fire. "Nani?"   
  
"I'm just a fool," Duo replied in amusement.   
  
"Why?" Heero frowned.   
  
Duo was quiet a moment before he spoke again. "Right before I came here I was down in Texas, in that base where G thought there was Mobile Suit productions. I was there doing my job, and all I could think was that I hadn't heard from you in over a year, despite the fact your mission with Relena got over 1 month ago. And I was pissed. The more I went through the motions of searching for the control room, the more I wanted to just stand there and wait for the guards to appear just so they could capture me and torture me, not that they'd get any information, and then stick it on the next news reel. I imagined my battered face being zoomed in on, my left eye matted shut from blood, my hair ragged and, hell, maybe even chopped off by some dull knife that nearly ripped the rest of it from my scalp." As he spoke, Duo moved away from Heero so he could look up and meet Heero's startled gaze. His violet eyes were ablaze with a determination that Heero had only seen him show on the battlefield when he called himself Shinigami. That unholy gleam that only belonged to the true fanatics.   
  
But Heero was barely noticing Duo's expression. Instead, he was staring up at Duo in mute horror as he thought of what Duo was speaking of doing. To anyone other than Duo, Heero would have looked cold and dispassionate. But Duo knew where to look for the emotions: Heero's eyes.   
  
"I was being selfish, I know, and incredibly petty. But I wanted to shove in your face that friendship isn't something you can toss aside for the hell of it. It's two people who return to each other, again and again, unable to stay apart because of the bond that holds them, that molds them, that either helps them soar or forces them to crash and burn." Duo looked away, partially feeling justified, mostly permeated with shame.   
  
The picture Duo's words and soft voice painted was highly disturbing Heero. He tried to tell himself that it didn't happen, but the thought of Duo going through all that, and WILLINGLY, was almost too much. Adding the fact that Duo would do that because of Heero... because Heero couldn't understand in time the emotions that tried to course through his veins like quicksilver when he thought of Duo....   
  
"Duo...." Heero whispered brokenly, softly.   
  
"Do you know why I didn't do it, Heero?" Duo said in a quiet tone, his arms wrapped around himself as he leaned away from Heero's body.   
  
"Why...?" Heero inquired sadly.   
  
Duo said in an extremely quiet voice barely above a whisper but as certain as the tide, "Because I knew you wouldn't come."   
  
"Duo! I--!" Heero protested immediately.   
  
"You what, Heero?" Duo said calmly, still not looking over. "You know you wouldn't. You'd talk yourself out of it... or, if by some miracle you DID make it there, it'd be with a gun aimed at my heart to silence the traitor who possibly spoke our secrets."   
  
"You don't--" Heero began but was cut off again.   
  
"Don't what? Don't know, Heero?" His voice was still soft, becoming more sure but also more lost. "But I do, Heero. I know because you're strong in everything you do but you don't listen to your emotions." Before Heero could protest he pushed on, "You FOLLOW them, sure. But you don't listen to them... nurture them... let them grow and develop on their own. You would've easily fallen into the rhythm of analyzing them one by one then choosing the most logical route instead of simply going with the flow, letting your actions be changed and discovered with each new feeling pressing in your chest."   
  
Heero suddenly felt insanely weary as he slumped against the ground. He knew Duo was right as well as Duo knew it. They both understood how Heero worked, how he functioned. But it still didn't change the fact that Heero had changed now, somehow, at some point while staying with Relena. Now he knew that he cared about Duo more than he ever thought before. Now it was different.... "The mission is important... but I... I wouldn't have... even if I didn't know what...." Heero trailed off in frustration, trying to say this right. "I...."   
  
"Are you sure you'd come, Heero? I doubt you would. My life doesn't depend on yours... I could live still... but I just... I just want a friend I can depend on... I can trust to help me when I need it...."   
  
_He's so sure... I don't even know.... I'd go for him. I'd help him. Wouldn't I...?_ "Duo, I'm sorry...." It was all Heero could say right then, even though it wasn't what he wanted.   
  
"You'll be sorry when I'm gone, Heero," Duo whispered, haunted, "Right now you're just feeling guilty."   
  
Heero shook his head. "That's not true, Duo. I just... can't...."   
  
Duo sighed. "I know. You can't say what you mean. You need more time. You need to understand everything first. You need others to tell you how to do it because you can't seem to get your words to work right on your own. You need a manual...."   
  
Heero looked away, desperately trying to drag the words from his heart.   
  
Duo looked over and sighed again. "Maybe I was wrong, Heero. Sorry about bothering you. I'll see ya around and next time I send you a letter, return address or not, feel free to contact me." He stood with a grin and wave and walked toward the door, glancing back with empty eyes. "Bye, Heero...."   
  
Heero felt the moment weigh in on him painfully. His heart beat so fast the sound was starting to shatter through his mind and give him a headache. All he could think was that if he didn't speak now, if he didn't say what he was trying to say, Duo would never understand. How could Duo know what he meant when his words came out wrong? His thoughts and emotions flew through his mind at a frenzied, panicked pace. He had to tell Duo! He had to tell him before it was too late...!   
  
"Don't... don't go...."   
  
_For all eternity I think I will remember_  
 _That icy wind that's howling in your eye_  
 _You will seek me and you'll find me_  
 _In the wasteland of your mind_  
 _When the night comes falling from the sky_  
  
Duo stopped and looked back, his hand still on the door. He didn't dare let hope stain his features so he kept his playful grin in tack and asked brightly, "Yeah, Heero?"   
  
"Don't... don't leave...." Heero continued, his face obscured by the fall of his unruly hair as he stared at his clasped hands in front of him.   
  
Duo stood completely still. "Why not, Heero?"   
  
Silence answered his question, so heavy and permanent that Duo began to doubt that he'd heard Heero say anything in the first place, that maybe it had just been his delusional hope that made him believe Heero had spoken those words he wanted to hear.   
  
Needed.   
  
Duo needed to be needed.   
  
He needed to show that he was someone, that he existed, that his true thoughts mattered to another person. And if it wasn't Heero... then he had no one....   
  
The silence continued, growing stronger and bolder with each passing breath. They were both so still it was like the only thing that lived in that cabin was the flickering flames in the fireplace; the fire that had long ago consumed all but one of Duo's false letters and Heero's crushed hopes. The wood cracked and popped in the quiet, screaming for someone to speak, to move, to confess. Outside, the wind slowly rose until Duo heard the leaves rustling so loudly in the stillness he could hear nothing else.   
  
Heero was letting the world wash away from him as he concentrated on his feelings, on the words that were trying to struggle away from his grip and hide beneath his mask of dispassion. But he knew now that he couldn't keep expecting Duo to return, to understand without being told, to know even when Heero didn't know all of what he was trying to say.   
  
This was more important than anything right then, and yet he couldn't grasp it. He couldn't bring the words to the surface even though he knew most of them by heart. He couldn't make his mouth move, his throat work, his breath release. He knew that somewhere inside he was afraid of rejection, afraid of acceptance, afraid to admit to feeling deeper than he'd ever known before.   
  
And yet he had to say this.   
  
He  had to say this.   
  
He had to say this!   
  
After several heartbeats of absolute silence and stillness in the cabin Heero abruptly looked up, catching Duo's startled attention. Heero's eyes were cold with determination, but as strong and pure as the wind that was ripping through the leaves outside at that moment.   
  
"Don't ever go," Heero said with finality.   
  
_Well I sent you my feelings in a letter_  
 _But you were gambling for support_  
 _This time tomorrow I'll know you better_  
 _When my memory is not so short_  
  
Duo stared at Heero, not noticing that his grin had disappeared beneath the comforting weight of that icy wind blowing through Heero's eyes, that wind that promised more than anything else ever could have.   
  
"Heero...?" Duo didn't dare say anymore in case he broke the spell.   
  
"I didn't understand what I wanted until I was at Relena's and it was gone," Heero spoke into the quiet, his words hesitant but not their meaning, "But I do now." He continued to stare into Duo's eyes, his gaze strong as stone and just as unwavering. But there was no intimidation in his expression, only an overwhelming desire to get things right for once, and then to see where that brought them.   
  
Duo still stood by the door, afraid to stay there for fear of missing his chance with Heero, and yet afraid to approach in case he  did get his chance. As much as he wanted to be around Heero as something more than a friend, he was still terrified that Heero would die in his arms or just out of reach like so many others did. And yet the pull to be with Heero was even greater than the pull to be alone, and it was that fact that would have decided his movements.   
  
But by that time Heero had gathered his courage and was already walking over to Duo. He stopped just in front of him, so close that their body heat mingled like invisible auras flickering through the air between them. Duo swallowed as Heero slowly reached behind him and locked the door, a small smirk-smile dancing in his clear and strong cobalt eyes.   
  
"I need you, Duo. I know that now. I want you. As more than a friend... as whatever you'll have me." Heero spoke calmly but the iciness had disappeared to a softened, ocean hue. Duo was caught in the undulating strength of Heero's gaze, unable to do anything more than breathe and recognize the quickening of his heartbeat as it pounded through his body. "Will you have me, Duo? Do you want me anymore?"   
  
The words were almost too much, they were too close to what Duo had always been wanting to hear, to say, to know, to feel, to believe. His breath quickened, his long chestnut bangs partially covering the sudden bright intensity of his amethyst eyes as he searched Heero's face for signs of this being a joke, a lie, anything that would mean it wasn't as real as Duo thought.   
  
He saw nothing but conviction and love.   
  
Duo's breath caught in his throat and before he knew what he was doing he threw his arms around Heero, holding him tighter and tighter as if he feared he was a dream that would disappear at the first touch of dawn's cold light.   
  
"I will always want you, Heero," Duo whispered softly, brokenly, into his shoulder where he buried his face, "Always, always, always...."   
  
_This time I'm asking for freedom,_  
 _Freedom from a world which you deny._  
 _And you'll give it to me now,_  
 _I'll take it anyhow_  
  
Heero felt such joy and contentment at the words that he could hardly move. But his paralysis was quickly overcome and he hugged Duo back as closely as he was being held. Their bodies pressed fully against each other, strength and warmth in a world gone mad with war, and with simple human emotions. Heero felt a twinge of terror at the thought of losing Duo again, and before he knew it he had wrapped his hand in Duo's soft braid, gripping his back so strong he almost feared hurting him. But Duo didn't seem to mind, and in fact, he pulled harder until they were so close breath barely made it between them. Their heartbeats were strong and pure, echoing each other with words that could never be spoken.   
  
As Heero looked past Duo's shoulder, eyes focusing on the darkness permeating the world around the simple rustic cabin, he suddenly realized something that had been bothering him. The nightfall was a complete absence of light, when he can finally see what he'd been missing all along. Those stars that Heero had always unwittingly been searching for weren't from missions accomplished or disasters avoided, but instead inside the warm body of a fellow soldier with laughing violet eyes and a silky chestnut braid. That darkness that had been holding his emotions away finally faltered and splintered beneath the flood of love and understanding that suddenly rocketed through his body such force that he was left bereft of anything but the sensation of Duo, fitting in his arms so perfectly.   
  
Heero pulled back at the same time Duo did, their eyes catching briefly before they seemed to realize the words lurking behind each others' clear gazes. Heero leaned forward slightly, but paused at the last second, as if still a little afraid to take the first step. Duo smiled slightly and pushed against Heero, quickly closing the distance until their lips brushed like fresh fire, sparking emotions that traveled in shivers completely up and down their bodies.   
  
The last vestiges of the darkness of their personal nights of uncertainty and fear within them disappeared in the face of that pure conviction, bringing with it the doubt and self-incriminations that had held them back before. As their lips parted, something important passed between the two, pushing away every single hesitation that tried to remain, leaving their futures crystalline and pure.   
  
Finally...   
  
Night fell.   
  
_When the night comes falling from the sky._  
  
~Owari~ 

**Author's Note:**

> (1) Good Night


End file.
